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FuNnY sTuFf

This is stuff that I've gotten over e-mail and stuff I've found online. It can be anything from funny stories, to quotes, to just plain cute e-mails!! hahahah

Liberals, Conservatives, and Texans
 
 
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In
your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
 
Conservative Answer:
 
BANG!
 
Texan's Answer:
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
 
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
 
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"


Pick up lines with come backs!
>
>1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
>
>Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
>
>2.)Male: Is this seat empty?
>
>Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.
>
>3.)Male: Your place or mine?
>
>Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.
>
>4.)Male: So, what do you do for a living.
>
>Female: I'm a female impersonator.
>
>5.)Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
>
>Female: DO NOT ENTER.
>
>6.)Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
>
>Female: Unfertilized.
>
>7.)Male: Your body's like a temple
>
>Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
>
>8.)Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
>
>Female: But would you please stay there?
>
>9.)Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
>
>Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

 
 
Long Hair
 
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could
discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've
studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

20 Words that SHOULD exist!

  • ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj.  Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
  • AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.  Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
  • AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n.  The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
  • BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n.  When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
  • BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n.  People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
  • CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  • DIMP (dimp) n.  A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
  • DISCONFECT (dis don fekt') v.  To sterilize the piece of candy you dripped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
  • ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n.  A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
  • EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n.  Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
  • ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.  The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
  • ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n.  The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
  • FRUST (frust) n.  The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
  • LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.  Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
  • NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n.  A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
  • PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.  The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  • PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj.  One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
  • PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.  The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  • PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.  The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
  • TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.  The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. 

    • A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia PA:

     "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QUEDA TERRORISTS
     THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
     This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
     Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the  thought of such an
     inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from
    all  across the country would be marching on this business....
     And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
    angry crowds back.
     But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let
    the proprietors simply make their statement... We are a society who
    holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty... And after all,
    it is just a sign.

     You may ask--what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

     (look below)


     Answer: A Funeral Home

     (Who Said morticians had no sense of humor?)

     
     
    STUPID PEOPLE!
     
    "Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm
    Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You
    wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me,
    oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."
     
    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
    and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes
    over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up
    once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your
    sign."
     
    A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We
    pulled his boat into the dock. I lifted up this big ol' stringer of
    bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them
    fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
     
    I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
    There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one
    way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on. It
    looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you
    tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold
    my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
     
    Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
    side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
    truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
    resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
    just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
     
    We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
    the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back
    to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
    exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been
    wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
     
    I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
    you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck
    and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for
    help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
    through his basic questioning okay, no problem. I thought for sure
    he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck
    stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the
    rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge.
    Here's your sign."
     
    I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and
    said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes
    ago. Here's your sign."
     
    Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.
    The next time someone says something stupid, ask them where their
    sign is.

     
     
     
    Reasons it is good to be a woman:

    1. We got off the Titanic first.

    2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious
    gynecological disorder excuses.

    3. Taxis stop for us.

    4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

    6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

    7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    8. We can congratulate our teammate
    without ever touching her rear end.

    9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    10. If we marry someone 20 years younger,
    we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

    11. We will never regret piercing our ears.

    12. There are times when chocolate really
    can solve all your problems.

    13. We can make comments about how silly men are in
    their presence because they aren't listening anyway.